Cat Civil War

The Cat Civil War was a war waged between two opposing armies on the mining ship Red Dwarf. The conflict lasted a million years. many believe the war started when the Cat race, having only just discovered tin openers immidietly after evolving opposable thumbs, found what they believed to be religious scriptures from an ancient civilisation. What these scriptures really were is open to conjecture, however there is evidence to suggest that they were in fact the to-do list and laundry receipt of Dave Lister, the owner of the first cat of the cat race which he smuggled onto Red Dwarf.

The origins of the war came from a missing piece of information in the scriptures, which talked of opening a doughnut bar on Fiji, where the employees had to wear humourous coloured hats with arrows through them. The Cat race divided over what colour the hats should be, with some thinking blue and others thinking red. It is from this basis that the war erupted, consuming the cargo bays of Red Dwarf in endless, bitter conflict.

Nearly a million years later, more holy script was discovered in what was believed to be the 'Tomb of the Holy Mother'. This was in fact the basket that Dave Lister had hidden his cat, Frankenstein, inside. The basket was lined with a receipt from Lister's dry cleaners, and the blue hat cats believed it to be a star map leading them to the promised land of Fushal. Renewing their faith in their god Cloister, the blue hats broke into one of the vehicle bays of Red Dwarf and took a White Giant, using it to escape the ship.

The red hat cats followed suit, eager to also get to the promised land. However, the blue hat cats star map led them straight into an asteroid and their White Giant was destroyed. The red hat cats then continued onward, knowing that they were indeed righteous.

The end of the war saw the last of the cats leave Red Dwarf for better or worse, bar only a small handful. These were the weak, sick and lame, and they were left to die on Red Dwarf by their former companions. It was to two of these Cats that Cat was born.