Quest for the Ancient Ark

The Quest for the Ancient Ark was an Event that took place after the War on the Maths Mafia. This tale made its way into League folklore as the origins of the conventional Blaster weapon, which replaced the inferior models used in the Force Galaxy for millenia - and it ironically came from the wreck of a billion-year-old starship. Like many League folklore tales, Shirazzle Dazzle is a major character, and he confirmed that the tale is 100% true, and who's going to doubt him?

The tale goes that, after months of scouring a particularly barren and desolate sector of the Milky Way Galaxy, a League Scout Probe picked up a faint, yet noticable distress signal originating from a snowy planet designated B-012-10045. The twelfth planet from its parent star of Braccineus Suprema, this world was covered in ice and had no resident population. An enquiry was submitted and Shirazzle Dazzle stepped up for the challenge of exploring this phenomenon, most likely for his Duke of Edinborough Award.

Gathering up a team of explorers, notably Noiall, Mugglesey, SuperNutty and several of the Dazzle's Bitches, Shirazzle made for this barren planet in a hired ship. Upon reaching the planet, the pilot decided to land within a minimum safe distance of one mile from the source of the distress call, a decision which, although sound, did not work out well for him as the landing was botched and the ice field on which the ship touched down on collapsed due to the heat of the engines, killing the pilot and rendering the ship unflyable. The heroes disembarked and secured their vessel, hoping to blast it clear when they returned.

Upon arrival at the source of the distress call the heroes found an ancient starship, preserved in ice, and still active. They theorised that the ship belonged to the Precursors and there was some speculation as to whether the Flood would be on board - but they soon found that if anything was ever on the ship, it had long since perished in the ice. Upon entering the ship, however, its automated defences activated and Mugglesey was forced to project a sound barrier using Smiths music that could deflect shots from turrets, staying behind so that the others could continue. Noiall and SuperNutty breached the door to the main chamber of the ship, and Shirazzle was able to fit many treasures into his DofE bag - including an ancient Precursor weapon.

Upon returning and picking up Mugglesey, the heroes were contacted by Shirazzle's Bitches, who had managed to melt their hired ship free of its icy tomb. They deactivated the Ark's automated distress call and left the planet, allowing a properly trained League excavation force to move in and study the ship. From the riches gained during this quest, the League was able to reverse-engineer the Precursor weapons and develop a much more powerful version of the conventional blaster, and logs retrieved from the ship shed more light onto the origin of the Flood. Hailed as heroes, Dazzle, Nutty, Mugglesey, Noiall and the Bitches returned home to indulge in their newfound wealth.